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depression

real life yo

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real life yo

So...

Today is the last day of August. Which means tomorrow is September 1st. Which means the day after that is Friday, September 2nd. Which means I have two weeks until the art show.

This is where I start screaming. 

But really. As exciting as everything is, it is also very stressful to get so much art work and planning and organization done for the show. 

Plus, earlier today I shattered one of my sculptures. I mean SHATTERED. Glass and polyurethane everywhere. And I was barefoot. 

Sometimes art does not go the way you want it to go. Sometimes you have to take a break and do something else for a little bit. Run an errand. Take a drive. Meditate. (I seriously had to stay calm. Not an easy thing to do.) 

To top everything off, I've stopped sleeping.  Well, not completely, but pretty much. 

Not sleeping is exhausting. Seriously. 

So I apologize for not writing as regularly this month as I should have. But know that you guys have been on my mind and heart and I've wanted to write, but just not really been able to put everything into words. And I don't mean to complain about everything. That's not what this blog post is about. I just wanted to be honest about where things are. And doing an event like this one is hard! But hopefully worth it. 

Yes, there is still so much to do, but I am determined. Everything will get done. There is a schedule and I am adhering to it so far. 

I am excited to meet some of you at the show in just two and a half weeks now. There will be so much to see and do and be apart of. I truly cannot wait for you guys to see everything. So many people have been so helpful.

I was just on the phone with a friend and I realized that it was in the middle of September a year ago that I came up with the idea for this show. I don't remember the exact day, but for all I know, the date of the show could be the exact one year anniversary of the idea. Regardless, it's pretty cool to have it happen in the span of one year. People told me that it could not be done, that I was aiming too high. But there is a God who had another plan. Planets practically aligned for some of these things to happen. If only I had the time to tell the whole story. But maybe I will : )

Thank you for journeying along with me and I cannot wait to see you at the show!

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50 Things I Love

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50 Things I Love

In life, it can be hard to see good things about yourself. Especially when you struggle with mental health issues.

A long time ago, a friend and mentor challenged me to think up and write down 50 things I loved about myself. Already struggling with my self esteem, I told her, “there aren't 50 things about me, let alone 50 things I love about myself.” But she still told me to do it. I made it 5 in and gave up. Despite her following up with me, my heart wasn't in it and I gave up for good.

One and a half years later, I was sitting in PHP (partial hospitalization program) for therapy and mentioned that my friend had challenged me to write down 50 things I loved about myself but, I couldn't manage it. Suddenly, my therapist thought it was a fantastic idea and challenged me to finish my list.

Of course, I was not excited.

But my therapist said to just write 5 things before each session and work my way up to 50. However, once I was over halfway through, they just started coming to me. I realized there was more about myself to love than I thought there was.

Do you realize how loveable you are? Do you love yourself? Really think about it. Make a list if you need to and keep it on your phone like I do for hard times.

To prove it’s possible, here's my list:

50 Things I Love About Myself

1. My hair
2. I'm creative
3. I love my tattoo
4. I care deeply about people
5. I feel like I'm a very faithful person
6. I'm more courageous than I usually see
7. I love that I am a traveler who wanders
8. I love that I am a wonderer
9. I love to learn
10. I like the shape of my nose
11. I love that I dance
12. I love my eclectic sense of style
13. I love that my favorite color is grey and so are my eyes
14. I love my love for words
15. I love that I'm unique
16. I love that I am loved
17. I love that I am a passionate person
18. I love that I'm an artist
19. I love that I'm adventurous
20. I love that I'm curious
21. I love that I'm sincere
22. I love that I make a genuine effort to be kind to others
23. I love that I am a reader
24. I love that I'm a dreamer
25. I love that I am colorful
26. I love that I have a purpose
27. I love my hat collection
28. I love my imagination
29. I love my love for people
30. I love my choice in friends
31. I love that I'm a fighter
32. I love that I loves miniatures and tiny things
33. I love that I am a very spiritual person
34. I love that I keep my toes painted and my feet healthy
35. I love that my brain works like a book in space
36. I love that I can hand make books
37. I love that I'm a sculptor and caster
38. I love that I am skörjet
39. I love that I've lived abroad
40. I love that I have piercings
41. I love that I have an eclectic taste in music
42. I love that I love fluffy things
43. I love that I love organic aesthetics
44. I love that I have generally good composition and aesthetics
45. I love that I have faith in people and am learning to have faith in myself
46. I love that I love the cold and the snow
47. Yet I love that I love hot drinks
48. I love that my favorite word is yet.
49. I love that I have good discernment  
50. I love that I still give my heart to people even though it's been broken so much


So what about you? What do you love about yourself?

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wanderlust of life

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wanderlust of life

Again, I am at a day when I do not want to write. But it’s not for the same reasons as my last post.

I’m feeling better, by the way.

 

In truth, I am afraid to write because I do not know what to say exactly. But that’s part of the adventure of writing so here goes…

 

I learned recently that I feel that in my life right now I am on a carousel. Just going round and round and round and never stopping. That annoying music is playing in the background and I cannot seem to turn it off. There’s no jumping off the carousel because this is where I am supposed to be, frustrating as it is.

After a week of thinking about this metaphorical circus machine, I’m trying to stay calm and not worry about the circles that I’m going in and find peace along the way. Apparently, I’m not very good at that though. Because of that, I have to work extra hard just to be still and patient. But I will put this out into the universe: I want change. I’m ready. I do not know what exactly is coming or in what form it may come, but I’m ready.

I do not say this to invite disaster in; this is a much more hopeful change I am talking about. But I just want to put it out there that I am ready and waiting for it.

Do you know what I am talking about?
            Let me explain this: my life has rarely been boring. I have always been on some kind of adventure, so the idea that my current job is to be still and patient is a terrifying fact. Thankfully, my friends are never boring and they always bring joy and excitement into my life. But where is my train? Where do I get on? Why am I on a carousel? Or, you know what, I don’t need a train, I just want a horse, a real one, and not these big metal ones that are anchored to a pole. With a real horse, I could go! I could go fast or slow or somewhere, anywhere.

Please understand that I am not saying that my life is horrible, not true. I am grateful for my life. But I also desire to do more, see more, and live more. Do you know that feeling? That wanderlust of life? That’s what I’m talking about.

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wanted: invisibility cloak

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wanted: invisibility cloak

          Today…let me tell you about today. Today is a day in which I didn’t want to get out of bed. Today is a day in which just breathing feels like a drain to my system. Every little thing people do I interpret as personal or a threat to me. In my paranoia, everyone is out to get me.

          Do I sound ridiculous? I’m sure I do to most of you. But other people know this is one of the types of days that is just part of being creative and sensitive.

          On top of today being what it is, my last post was erratic and crazy sounding. So now I seem like I’m going from mania to depression. In reality, the state I’m in now has been building for the past week and had a catalyst today so it just exploded into this feeling of instability. I am teetering on the edge of oblivion feeling like the fall is inevitable.

          Have I really only written that much? I feel like I’ve sat at my typewriter (more like computer) and bled all that I have to bleed, as Ernest Hemingway might put it.

          I want to hide, but I’m afraid to be alone. I guess I need an invisibility cloak. One that has good airflow and doesn’t overheat me. I’ll check craigslist but if you hear of anyone trying to get rid of one, let me know.

          Don’t misunderstand me, I may actually post this, but I don’t want to. I don’t want people knowing that I am feeling this way and thinking these things. But I take commitments very seriously and since I agreed to the reality and truth of the creative life in this blog, I am not going to go back on my word easily.  I’m not saying it’s impossible; I know I am fallible. But I’ve fought too hard to fall guilty to stigmas and trying to only write the “right” things, the easy things.

          The other difficult truth that I’ll be honest about on here is about God. Part of feeling the way I do today is feeling like God has left me. And abandonment issues run deep inside me. I feel left out in the rain. Don’t get me wrong, I like the rain, but being left out in it has a certain sad imagery to it. (By the way, the word for a lover of grey and rainy days is pluviophile. So, I am a pluviophile. Just not one who wants to get abandoned in the rain.)

           Yes, I realize that my thinking is a vicious cycle and believe me when I say that I am fighting against it. It just isn’t easy.

“Do not mistake the bad days for days in which I am not fighting;

those are the days I am fighting the hardest.”

            I am not sure who said that, but it is very true. Bad days do not mean I have given up; they just mean the demons got a great night’s sleep and were ready to start a violent fight this morning. I, on the other hand, slept very little. Add some nightmares to that and you’ve got an equation for a difficult day.

            I write all this to say, yes, these days are real and really hard and horrible. But don’t mistake them for the end. As much as it may feel like the end, it really isn’t. So don’t let those demons you are fighting tell you otherwise. (I say all of this to myself more than anyone.)

            Thank you for attention. See you later.

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Reality has no place in my world

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Reality has no place in my world

“Sometimes you get lost between the world you live in and the world you want to live in.”

           This is what a friend just said to me and it couldn’t be more true. It’s hard to always live in the present moment when my past and my future flashes like slides in my mind.

            Dreaming of the future is a beautiful thing. And it can be very good for us to dream and imagine and wonder. But I have to remind myself that I am living in the right now. Sometimes I get caught up in the idea that all of time is continuing to happen constantly and I get overwhelmed by all the emotions that I feel that I’ve ever felt in my life. Sounds crazy, right? But that’s what it can be like as a sensitive creative. We feel so much happening all of the time that we cannot help but be overwhelmed by it all.

            That’s where mindfulness comes in.

            Mindfulness is the practice of simply being. But it’s not as simple as that. It is experiencing life without distraction, without excess, being in the moment and of the moment. Yes, is can be a basic state of meditation, but it is also a way to go about life, being fully aware without being consumed. All of this becomes a very difficult idea for me.

            There are certain things I try to remember in order to help me be more mindful.

1.     I’m not perfect, but that’s okay. Parts of me are actually fantastic.

This is a difficult one for me, but it’s something I am trying to teach myself little by little.

2.     You are not responsible for the whole world. And that’s a good thing.

Seriously true.

3.     Feeling deeply is allowed. Don’t be afraid of sensitivity.

Mindfulness does not mean that you squash all deep feelings. It just means that you are aware that you have them and you accept them for what they are. Don’t put more stress of yourself.

 

            What are the important things that you need to remember? What are you learning about yourself? 

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It Doesn't Matter

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It Doesn't Matter

Here’s one of my big struggles: I want to be unique and different and special. But I want everyone to accept and love me for being unique and different and special.

And that’s not really how it works.

Recently, I realized that I had to choose. There was no wanting to be a non-conformist, but still being loved by everyone. I had to accept that there are just some people that are not going to like me and that’s okay.

You can be the world’s juiciest peach, but there is still going to be someone out there that doesn’t like peaches.

Oddly enough, I don’t like peaches. But I kind of imagine the saying referring to an apple or a raspberry (here’s a tip: want to win my favor, give me raspberries; I love me some raspberries.)

            I think that as human beings we long to be accepted and loved. But when did that desire become something that everyone needs to fulfill? Isn’t the acceptance and love of one very important person in your life worth more than hundreds of others?

            I don’t have answers really, I am just pointing out something that I am struggling with and deal with on a regular basis. But I am trying to not care anymore. (By the way, I am not saying to take this to the extreme and just say, “screw you” to the whole world. Neither extreme is a good way to go.) What I am saying is that as we are kind, honest people going about our lives, if someone rejects us then that’s their problem and not ours. We’ve done our duty of being kind and honest people and that’s as far as we need to go. After all, the key to failure is trying to make everyone happy, isn’t it?

 

 

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